The Pessimist: Grand Theft Auto IV

It only takes a glance over to the Grand Theft Auto Metacritic page to see that Derran Brown is working overtime with the gaming public. I cannot begin to comprehend how so many people can think that GTA 4 is God’s gift to gaming without having someone mess with their brains. While the likes of Vice City and San Andreas hit the nail on the head perfectly with likable characters and an extensive range of cheats, GTA 4 throws you in at the deep end with an annoying Serbian bloke who can’t string a sentence together without chucking in a few four-letter words. If you somehow find the strength to keep playing, you will know that he soon meets his titty-obsessed cousin, and then plays doormat to the several criminals that hibernate in Liberty City. If the review scores are to go by, the gaming public actually likes this kind of stuff, but I, for one, certainly don’t. What follows is my extremely pessimistic view of Grand Theft Auto IV.

In technical terms, GTA 4 should be a great game. The fictional Liberty City covers four islands, each with their own communities and ways of life, and each island feels significantly different to the next. However, I can’t shake the feeling that Rockstar have jumped in head-first without getting the basics right beforehand. For example, most missions revolve around one simple formula; drive, kill, blow up, and drive some more. This is fun for a while, but soon begins to grate, especially when you have some psychopath with an annoying accent shouting in your ear.

Rockstar have also attempted to craft a Liberty City Television, Radio, and Internet service, but for the purpose of everyone’s sanity, I’m going to focus solely on the radio. Now, if you want a reason why this kind of thing has never been tried in any other videogame, just look over in the direction of Grand Theft Auto. Apart from annoying you with the regular and annoying speech sections (Judge Grady, anyone?) the team over at Rockstar have the most hideous music taste. Granted, some decent tracks do occasionally get played, but I swear, if I hear that damn Flashing Lights song again, my Dualshock 3 is going straight out of the nearest window. And for that matter, so are my speakers.

I’m half-way through my daily quota of words, and I still haven’t described what comes close to being the worst online experience ever. Now, even by my standards that may sound a little harsh, but you know something is wrong when you spend ten minutes in a lobby, only for  the actual game to last just a mere couple of seconds. Maybe my team was rubbish, maybe it was a one-off, or maybe, just maybe, it may have been down to poor matchmaking and a terrible game mode that should have never seen the light of day. Were Rockstar really that naive to think that everyone would work as a team and all move as a pack? Because during my game, everyone got into separate cars, buggered off in each and every direction, and left me to deal with the rockets of the enemy. Needless to say, I was swiftly blown up and left to watch the rest of the game in boredom.

What is arguably even worse is how GTA seems to pay no regard to logic whatsoever. For example, in single player I found myself driving past Perseus, a rather expensive but smart clothes shop. Unleashing my inner gangster, I walked in and pointed a rather large gun at the cashier’s head. Unfortunately, all he did was stand there with his hands up, so I spoiled the wall behind him and looked to steal myself some rather nice clothing. Although, according to the people over at Rockstar, to get hold of some clothes you need someone to man the till so that you can buy them. Forgive me if I am mistaken, but isn’t the whole point of GTA to steal things? Then why the heck am I not given the option to walk out with the whole frigging shop? Several moments like this stand out in GTA 4 and really cheapen the proceedings.

So, what I have missed? Oh yes, I knew that there was something. Why on earth does Ricky Gervais feel the need to contribute his one pennies worth? Believe it or not, I buy my GTA games for the thrill of the crime, not for the half-hearted comedy shows that frequent Liberty City’s Split Sides. The irony is that our friend Ricky decides to poke fun at fat people, which in hindsight is not a particularly wise thing to do considering that gaming isn’t exactly the most energetic of activities. I’m by no means suggesting that gamers are fat, but the minority that are were probably spitting blood at their TV screens after hearing what Mr Gervais had to say.

Well, we all had great expectations for Grand Theft Auto 4, didn’t we? Everyone jumped aboard the hype train only to be let down by a sandbox game which disappoints in almost every respect. We were promised by Rockstar that in Grand Theft Auto 4, things would be different, but I didn’t quite expect the changes to be that major and detrimental. I can only wish that the heart-stopper burger did it’s job and killed that Serbian bloke half-way through; it would have saved me a lot of time, and effort.